Hicksville
by vodka straight
Summary: This is a tiny comical story about what might have happened if Clark had stayed in Smallville, working at a general store, and one day got Lois Lane as a costimer. Not even slightly serious.


HICKSVILLE  
  
  
"Perry, do you realize where you are sending me?" Lois asked her editor with calm reproach. "There is *nothing* where you are sending me. Therefore you can gain *nothing* by sending me there. Get it?"  
  
Perry sighed, obviously annoyed. "Don't start this with me, Lois, I'm really not in the mood."  
  
Lois shrugged, an overly innocent look on her face, large, overdone features of confusion. "I'm just saying, Perry, if you want a story, you should send me somewhere where there is one. It could, you know, be helpful." Her voice dripped in sweet sarcasm, and Perry felt a vein in his temple begin to pulse.  
  
"Lois, take a look outside the office." he said, and Lois glanced back, seeing men and women scrambling around for their daily bread, and she shrugged.   
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"All those people, to all those people out there, I am their boss. Why can't I be yours?"  
  
"You are my boss, Perry, I'm just saying-"  
  
"Don't. Don't just say, because if you do that means I'm not your boss anymore. Employees do what their bosses tell them to do. Want to try that, Lois?"   
  
Now that Perry had upped the anty with his own brand of sarcasm, Lois was becoming steadily annoyed.   
  
"But Perry, Jeez, listen to the name of the place. 'Smallville'."  
  
"Lois, I understand, but-"  
  
"Now all you have to do is plant the capitol letters 'KS' behind it and it's the best cure for insomnia ever invented."   
  
"Lois, and a story is a story, and-"  
  
"And it's not *there*." Lois said, clapping her hands impatiently on her editors desk. "Send me somewhere else."   
  
Perry sighed, sitting back in what used to be a very comfortable chair, and was suddenly very stiff and against his back. "One week. That's your best offer."   
  
Lois deliberated for a moment, lost in thought with a chin stroking look on her face. Then her eyes came back into focus, and she looked at Perry once again.  
  
"If I don't find the story, Perry, then what?"  
  
Perry sat back with a smile on his face. "Then I send you somewhere else."   
  
************  
  
"Lana, you're wrong, there is no way on this earth that the Buffalo Bills will get to the Playoffs. They just don't have it this year. Some of the players they cut-"  
  
"But Clark, their season has been uninterrupted!"  
  
"Three games is not a season, Lana. They could have gotten lucky."  
  
"They did get lucky. They played the Chiefs."   
  
Clark lifted his hands in amused agreement, chuckling as he spoke.   
  
"See? My point. We suck!" he exclaimed in feigned agony. "For once, can't Kansas get a decent sports team? We-"  
  
The door to the small conveniance store that Lana helped out with opened with the friendly jangle of the bell, and a well dressed, cell-phone carrying, attractive woman walked in impatiently.  
  
"I'm. . .I'm losing you, here. . .I must be going out of range. . . wait. . . yeah, it says I'm roaming. . ." she chattered brokenly into the cell phone, and then glanced in Clark and Lana's direction on the opposite side of the room.   
  
Both were watching her small form dart in sharp pacing, intently, with amusement behind their eyes. They had scene her kind a hundred times. They were now accustomed to calling them the 'passers'. They were the ones that when you asked what they were in Smallville for, said, "Oh, here?" as though they weren't aware that it was an actual town; just a store, a house, and a farm with a nice field, "I'm just passing by. Just passing right through." they said, as though it had to be made absolutely clear. Oh yes, Clark and Lana knew this type. Too wrapped up in their own cell-phone conversations to glance up at the intelligent faces above the 'hick' appearance.   
  
Lois watched them suspiciously, scanning over the pair of slightly scruffy-looking jeans that Clark was wearing and the un-tucked flannel shirt with the higher buttons undone, and the woman behind the counter, loose over-alls and a big T-shirt. For goodness sake, you could hardly see her hour-glass! Lois had to stifle a laugh. She put her hand next to the receiver end of the phone and turned in the other direction, lowering her voice. Clark could guess what she was going to say, but he used his special hearing anyway.   
  
"Okay, Lucy, I've officially entered Hicksville. In fact, I think I'm under attack. I'll call you back once I get out of this situation. I'll talk very slowly, maybe they'll understand the first time I say it." she said with a laugh. "Okay, bye, Luce."   
  
The brunette turned back to the counter and approached it carefully, as if avoiding a land mine. Clark for a moment felt a kind of familiar anger, but then it changed to amusement. He leaned over quickly to Lana and whispered, "Play along."   
  
"What kin we do for ya, little missy?" he asked in a thick, overly exaggerated country drawl. Lana almost doubled over there behind the counter, but covered it up with the pretense of a coughing fit. "Yawl right, there, Betty Sue?" Clark asked her thickly, trying to keep a straight face and patting her roughly on the back as she continued to "cough".  
  
"Yup, jes fine, Henr'ah, jes fine." she said, still trying to control herself but getting into the hang of things. Lois looked confused for a moment, but then seemed to accept this as something understandable, even apropriate. This made it even funnier to Lana, and she held up a hand.  
  
"'Scuse me, missy, I'm just gonna go in' fetch some wawter." she said, heading off in the direction of the bathroom. "Henr'ah, take it from here, wouldja?" she barely got out.   
  
Clark smiled, just a little less comfortable with the joke with no one else in the room in on it.   
  
"What kin I heylp you with, missy?" he asked, straight faced.   
  
"Well, lets see. . ." Lois trailed off smoothly, a deliberating finger to her lips, obviously trying to look put together and attractive, city-girlish, intelligent. Like it was her moment to shine in the midst of these brainless hacks. ". . .I'd like some chewing gum. . . do you have any Trident? I only chew Trident. Good for your teeth." she asked sweetly, trying not to giggle herself. Clark played right into her hand for his own reasons. He thought he knew what aces she had up her sleeve.   
  
"Tri -wha? Sorry, missy, we jes got some a the local types." Clark said, searching frantically for some thing to give her that sounded local. He couldn't, so in the end he just made it up.   
  
"Like what?" she asked sweetly.   
  
"Oh. . . we got Joe's Tasty Pig Fat. . . Patty's Yummy. . . Chewin' Tar?" he said, only slightly hesitant. Lois looked disgusted for a moment, and then just patronizingly amused.   
  
"I see. Never mind."   
  
"An'thing else?" Clark asked.  
  
"Well, how about a book? Got any good romantic fiction?" Lois asked playfully.   
  
"Romantic ficchon, eh? I ain't, ah, ain't exackly sure. . .?" he said, rubbing the back of his neck stupidly. He scanned the store in front of him, eyes lighting up two-dimensionally when he spotted a book shelf on the other side of the room. He sprinted to it giddily, feeling like the character 'Lennie' from Mice and Men. "Here yar!" he exclaimed, happily plucking up a book, wide, hard covered, titled boldly (and boringly) 'The Romance of the Kansas Plains: A History of the State'. "Romance!" he exclaimed, holding it out to her. She smiled, pushing it away with one finger, as if she didn't want to touch it anymore than necessary.   
  
"No thanks. Not the kind of Romance Fiction I wanted."   
  
Clark Kent knew this very well. The actually romance novels were at the back of the shop, just barely out of view from her. He had to hope she wouldn't take the time to look around.   
  
"Oh." Clark pretended to be dejected, making his way back to the back of the counter. "An'thing else, missy?" he asked.   
  
Lois smiled. This was going to be the whopper.   
  
"Well, my lap-top quit on me, I was wondering if you had someone who could take a look at it?"  
  
Clark smiled broadly; just what he'd been waiting for. "I kin sure tinker around with sum mechanics, sure!"   
  
"Great!" Lois smiled, enjoying her bit of evil fun. "I'll be right back."   
  
Lois returned with a very high-tech device, something from Apple, and handed it to him. "It just kind of, blinked out on me, you know?"   
  
"Sure, haypens all the tyme with the cows; sometimes they jes let cha milk um, all easy like, and other times they jes won't have et. Jes kinda blink out, sure." he said amiably. Lois laughed dryly.  
  
"Just like that." she said.   
  
"Lemme get a look-see, here. . ." Clark said, grasping the lap top with both hands, and turning it over to examine it. "Well, gee. . . looks like nothing too serious, all it is it that your memory disk is missing. But that wouldn't cause the screen to just blink off, someone would have to remove the piece. Do you know what I'm talking about? You know, the little green mechanical piece, about so big, with the different IBook memory chips imbedded in it? By the way, quite a fine computer, here, very state of the arch, although I don't think that Mac is going to keep up very well with Windows this year; this was a lucky start, it won't matter once the Window's Cube comes out, more bites, more. . . well, more memory. But yeah, I own one of these babies myself."   
  
Lois was just staring at him in awe, disbelief, but not yet anger. No, Clark had a few seconds of peace to savor before anything two bad broke loose. "Anyway, back to your memory disk. . .it's very simply removed, and if I had it with me it could be very simply reapplied." he said cheerily. Then, when no response came, he leaned in just a little closer and said, "Don't worry; I've done it a hundred times."  
  
THE END 


End file.
